I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
COCAINE IS GR8
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
