I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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