His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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