my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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