Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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