Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
