Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
