How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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