she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
