my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
