grandma shit on top of the toilet
false alarm. still invincible.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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