And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
