I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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