between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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