Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
