Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
