dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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