I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
