why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
