She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
