So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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