I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We have so much sex to catch up on
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
