she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
