My underwear smells like fireworks.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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