So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
