Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
