I wish they made helmets for livers.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
