I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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