My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
