Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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