When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
