ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
