There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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