I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
