it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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