Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
