If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
