Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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