The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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