Princesses don't give blow jobs
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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