My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
