i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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