After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
