I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
