I cockslap morals
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
