AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
