I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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