We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This baby is an asshole
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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