So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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