I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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