WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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