I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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