I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
