i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
