i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
