Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
