if i can run in heels then i can drive
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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